"Mama"

ma ma.... oh, there is so much meaning tied up in those 2 syllables..... MS has been able to babble these sounds for a while but had yet to make the connection between those simple sounds and me or what it all means for her..... until yesterday.  On the 4 month anniversary of when we got our little peanut, she finally locked eyes with me and called me "mama."  I can't adequately describe how amazing it was..... like when you have a newborn baby and have invested sleepless night after sleepless night into this little life and then one day you get a smile back.... all the hard work is worth it and doesn't even feel that hard in light of the gift you just got.

But I think a bit of a back story will help do this moment even more justice.  She has called Derek "dada" for several weeks.  It has been as if she is playing a game with me.... I ask her to repeat after me all the words she knows... wawa, dada, more, thank you and so on and then I say "Mama" and she does anything but say that.... she laughs, she starts playing with a toy, ignores me, says dada again.... you get the idea.  I'm not suggesting there has been some thought process on her part in deliberately not saying that word but it has been kind of amusing and strange.

Last week has been one of the hardest yet since we got her.  After the craziness of my last couple of posts, we headed out for a relaxing week at the lake.  We got there on saturday night and I remember thinking "MS is so hot in her body cast" and wondering why she was so fussy..... didn't realize until the night that she had a raging fever.  I'll spare you all the details but 2 days of high fever later....I made a trip to a college friend of Derek's/ pediatrician in the small town near where we were.... where she proceeded to throw up on herself, body cast and me (I brought no spare clothes for either of us) & she had to be catheterized to get a urine sample...... (a cool aside was that dr. lunsford shared with me that he and his wife were wrapping up their homestudy to do an international adoption so it ended up being a time of getting to share our experience with him amid the screams.... I only hope he isn't terrified now!)..... it ended up being just a virus.... so 2 more days of high fever and screams after that, I was left frazzled, frustrated and defeated. We still had a great lake trip but I held her what felt like most every waking moment.... she was more miserable than I have ever seen her.... she had a few moments of playfulness when the motrin was pumped in her but those were few and far between.  And that darn body cast.... she was trapped which added to her misery and to her fever.

It was so hard caring for her and I wavered between feeling so sad for her and feeling panicked for myself.... will I ever be able to put her down and leave the room again?  Selfish I realize when she is the one hurting....  Adoption has taken my awareness of my sin to a whole new level.  I told derek the other day that somewhere along this journey "my 'shoot' has become 'sh*t' "  Pardon my language.... I was never a cusser before but adoption has done it to me.  Thankfully most of my cuss words stay trapped in my head but some make their way out....it's the messy side of adoption I have talked about in the past.... the side where you are slapped in the face with what a selfish sinner you can be....the side that humbles you.... where you throw your hands up because you can't do it and what you do do, you feel like you are failing at..... the part that leads you back to your need for a savior... and praise the Lord that He continues to love me inspite of my struggles and like I said in the last post His mercies are new every morning..... 

So on the heels of that week, we come home and MS is now covered in a rash all over her body (probably the end of the virus).... she has just had her sponge bath which she hates and I'm changing her diaper for the 500th time.... which also frustrates her since I can't pull her legs up to change it (her waist won't bend), I have to put her on her back, flip to tummy and flip back to her back.... you could see it in her eyes.... she was so so sad and frustrated and it was in that moment that her little eyes locked on mine and she said "mama"..... it wasn't a cheery "I love you mama" it was a heartfelt cry.... a "mama" that conveyed I need you, help me, I'm hurting.... oh my heart.  I love this little girl.... all the ache and pain of the past 4 months and the many more moments that are sure to come..... it is so worth it.... the aching muscles, the wearied soul, continually repenting of bad words and anger...... it was all healed up in that moment and left me in awe.... my broken little baby knows I am her mama, needs me as her mama and cried out to me in her pain.

Of course, when it happened I freaked to say the least.  I looked at her and said "mama? Did you say mama? say mama again." and her worried little eyes got big as she giggled and said it over and over.  We ran to the bathroom where derek was bathing the other kids and showed him the new trick.  Pure joy.  Surely this is a glimpse of how God feels when we cry out to him.... abba father......   No matter how frustrated, distant, distracted or whatever we have become..... when we cry out in desperation to Him because we realize we need him, we're hurting and we can't help ourselves.... He hears... He cares... and He is filled with joy that his little one has acknowledged Him.  This journey is amazing & I'm one happy mama today.... even if I start cussing tomorrow :)

relaxing on pillows that Cousin Francis made for them

Henry giving MS a lick of his sucker

One of the million ways I try and entertain MS and she is wearing the clip that got lost in the cast.

Henry so focused on his art/mess project.  

First time on the boat :)

Love this because AR wears that snorkle mask in all bodies of water.... even the baby pool in the back yard!

The good life.... sitting in a cooler, eating a popsicle

MS training to be a cheerleader.  Derek also holds her by 1 leg (since the cast won't bend) & has almost given multiple people heart attacks when they see it...

With the world's best babysitter.  We knew MS wouldn't go to her so derek came up with a clever way to include her.

So excited to lose another tooth

I have no words for this.... now you see what I deal with on a daily basis.

And finally, she was laying on her tummy on my legs and then I witnessed it... her  amazing moves that get her into a standing position.... really bizarre.