Give me Jesus (& Starbucks) (Part 1)

Lately, I have been feeling as if life was hard enough to live much less to write about.... feeling a bit "stuck" in a place where I couldn't see out mostly due to a sleep deprived fog.  I knew once I was able to process life a bit and feel the fog lifting that I'd be able to write... writing is therapeutic to me....  I find that I'm able to understand my life better and see God's hand more clearly.... and my mind can teach my heart through the process..... so time to get writing once again.

After the dramedy post nothing "major" happened other than MS reverting back to her screaming all day state of mind.... not just any scream but a scream as if someone if killing her....  (It is worth noting that if you have seen me in public, you probably had no idea..... but remember when you see me out  that I am always holding her!! so of course, she is happy.  The wheels fall off when we get home and heaven forbid I need to go potty, change out the laundry or (gasp) cook dinner.)

The screaming was about to do me in when she added a new habit of waking up all night long..... sometimes for 2 hours on end.... My sweet words of "mommy is here" did nothing to soothe her anymore.  Seems every time I tell anyone my new "solution" for calming her, the game changes.  At the same time, Henry discovered he could climb out of his crib and appear whenever and wherever he so desired.... hence the sleep deprived fog.  Sleep truly truly affects your state of mind as I saw on those days when the morning began with me already feeling like a truck had hit me.  Add to the lack of sleep that darn (and you know that I probably used another word!) body cast.... my arms are aching again and my hips are literally bruised from holding her on them... Nothing major, just the minutea of life piling up to a point where you simply sit around and cry.  I know Jesus has been with me through every ebb and flow of the adoption process but these past few weeks have seemed some of the hardest of the journey.... I honestly don't know how you can even go down this path without Him.  I need Him every minute of every day and He has been faithful to strengthen me each passing moment.... and He uses a variety of ways to do so....

Enter in Starbucks..... I'm really not even a coffee drinker but oh sweet starbucks you have saved me from losing my ever lovin' mind.  I cringe to think what I have spent in 2 weeks alone.... but that caffeine cruising through my body has been a lifesaver.  To disappear into the warmth of a peppermint mocha somehow softens the screams and makes the nightmare of the night before seem like a distant dream.  This may sound dramatic but I mean every word of it!

Starbucks isn't Jesus' only means of strengthening me though.  I've been blessed in the midst of this time with: sweet friends who pray for me, cry with me and for me, take some kids and so on...... my mom taking the big kids swimming countless times during nap time for the babies....flowers sent by my sweet husband.... one good night's sleep to propel me through the next 2 bad ones.... & most importantly God's word speaking directly to me.

I read a devotion the other day when I was so tired that just spoke to me...  If you have followed our journey, you will recall the first verse I prayed for MS.... before we ever knew her.  "The Lord your God is with you... He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing."  Well, that was the verse at the top of my devotion that day but this time it was for me.  And it was a different version that read "He will rest you with His love".... just what I needed.... rest... and God was promising it to me.  The verse that I claimed for MS so long ago I was able to claim for myself that day.  The verse paired with it was from Song of Solomon "See!  The Winter is past; the rains are over and gone.  Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come... the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. 'Arise... come with me." "  I felt hope in that moment about the renewal and new life that God can bring to me.  And when I am too tired to even say anything to God or to pray for this new energy, I can rest in HIS ability to "cause the renewing life-sap to rise" in me as the author, Amy Carmichael so eloquently puts it.  It is amazing to me that even when I have had days on end when all I'm calling out to God is "give me energy, fill me up" and have had no time in His word, that I can open back up a devotional book and He speaks so clearly to me.... thankful that He is faithful and steady even when we waver a bit.

The next night, MS only woke up one time and drifted back to sleep easily.  Then when she woke up at 5:55 the next morning, Derek told me to run get in bed with Henry to catch a little more sleep..... He let me sleep until 7:45!  I felt amazingly rested.  Not 10 minutes after I got up, a neighbor showed up at the door with homemade cinnamon bread... and let me add that she knew nothing of what my last week had been like.... Standing in my kitchen, rested and holding that loaf of bread, it was like a little hug from God.... just the encouragement I needed to press on!  And later that day?  Someone I did not know, came up to me and said "Is that Mei Sims?  I've been praying for her."  God knows what I need and when I need it and He delivers it all just in time.... because of course more days of screaming and nights of no sleep followed.....

To be continued...