10 more sleeps....

...and Colley will be in our arms.  This is about the time in the journey when adoptive moms send out "instructions" to friends and family..... so that you can better understand where our children have been and how you can help us as we try to get them to a different place.... a better place emotionally and mentally.  I sometimes just want to sum it up by simply saying "Look but don't touch!" but I realize a little more explanation can help understand the heart behind that.  When we went to get Mei Sims, I wrote a letter....

If you want to read the long version, you can click here.

The short version is that we need to be the ones right now to provide and care for her every need.  High fives, pats on the backs and blowing kisses from our friends are fine, but if you will please leave the holding, kissing, feeding, etc to us for a period of time, that would be great.  You can help us by always directing her back to us, if she is seeking attention from you these first few months.  I would like to say we are entering the cocooning phase but with 5 kids, I'm not sure how possible it is to seclude ourselves.... but you can greatly help us out when we are in public by being hands-off for now.  Believe me, being that there are 5 kiddos we can use your hands in a multitude of other ways over the next few months.... just all things Colley need to be our immediate family for now.

I've said this before but everything about the process to Colley has been night and day from our path to Mei Sims.  And even as I read over that old post in the link, the stark contrast is once again staring me in the face.  After 2.5 years, Mei Sims is so secure in our family and in who she is but there are still moments that break my heart.... moments that remind us of where she came from....  All that to say, Mei Sims came from a hard situation which made it so easy to want to run over there, get her and not look back.

With Colley it is different.  Yes, I want to scoop her up and kiss all over her cute little face... to protect her and love her.... to be her mom.  But here is where God's Sovereignty gets interesting.... where the bitter and the sweet, the sorrow and the love are intermingled.....

With Colley, from what we can tell, we are not getting a shell of a child.... she is very much thriving and growing into the little girl God made her to be.  She has life in her eyes and in her smile.  She has been with her foster family her entire life.... 2 years.... she calls them mama and baba..... I can barely let my mind dwell on it without breaking down.  The beauty is that she knows what a family is..... what it is to be a daughter, to have a mom and a dad..... she knows how to attach.... we fully expect her to attach well, but we know there will be a pretty big bump in the road before that comes.

When I requested an update on her a while back, I asked if she slept in a bed or a crib and alone or with a sister.... just to prepare for her homecoming.  They wrote back that she sleeps in a bed.... "always with her foster mother".  Seriously, what amazing sacrifice this foster mother has made....Two years of sleep!  Two years, where Colley had a need and it was met even in the wee hours of the night, two years where connections were made in her brain, two years where cycles were not broken......

This is the picture where we will enter in to get our daughter.  This gift that God gave us... that God gave Colley by placing her with a loving family?  Well, its about to get turned on its head... and its going to get rough.  We know that God is good but that this step in His plan for her will be so so hard.  It rips me apart to know that we will be causing confusion, sorrow and grief in her little heart by taking her away from her "family."  So thankful that I have such confidence that God created her to be ours.   We expect her to grieve..... grieve hard.... and we will hug her, cry with her and for her.... we too will grieve all that she is losing and we will make it through this together... but I'll admit, it seems a bit daunting to me....

One of my friends recently gave me the Ellie Holcomb CD and there was one track on it that truly undid me the first time I heard it....  She wrote it based on that verse in Zepahaniah (3:17) where God ministers to you even in your sleep.... As I think about our first few nights together.... when it will no longer be her foster mom's heartbeat she will feel, it will be mine....   when she wakes up and realizes she is gone, and she's left with me...... oh, this song is my prayer for sweet Colley.

Morning feels so far away, questions keeping me awake
Will you sing, sing your night song?
All these lies that are owning me, all this fear makes it hard to breathe
Will you be, be my night song?

The truth that sings into my darkness
The melody of love that leads me on
The voice that comforts all my sadness
Oh, even when the suffering is long, be my night song

Unmet longings steal my mind, calm my heart with your lullaby
Will you sing, sing your night song?
The sound of love surrounding me, promise that you will never leave
How I need, I need your night song

The truth that sings into my darkness
The melody of love that leads me on
The voice that comforts all my sadness
Oh, even when the suffering is long, be my night song


All of adoption is a picture of redemption.... of beauty from ashes.... Like I said though, this just seems different....  she is already in a place of beauty... we are about to walk through the ashes together .....  and I trust we will come out again in an even more beautiful place, tasting the sweetness of God's sovereignty.   I know He will give us the grace to navigate this tricky path together...  I'm thankful to be a part of the story He is writing in Colley's life even on days when the thought of what is coming overwhelms me.

We covet your prayers in the weeks to come:

Specifically:
*  For God to prepare Colley's heart and be very present with her these next few weeks
* For wisdom and strength for us as we head down this path again & our family dynamics change
*  For safety and health as we travel with our 2 big kids
*  For safety and health for the littles & my parents back at home
*  For Mei Sims' heart and mind to be at peace while we are gone & for her to sleep well

Thanks friends!