I was reading a devotional the other morning which talked about the verse in Psalm 25:10 that says "All the paths of the Lord are loving and faithful." In her book, Amy Carmichael reitterated that all must mean all.... not just the paths that seem easy or clear or free from pain... but all. As I read that, it just struck a deep chord with me... it is my prayer that the truth in that verse would be written on MS's heart. She has taken a different path to come to our family.... I have full confidence that when God knit her together in another womb, that He knit her for me... to be my child... I can't know why the beginnings of her life had to be filled with loss, trauma, fear, hurt and I know she will wrestle with this at some point.... but because of this truth in scripture even the path which she took to get to us was a path where God was loving & faithful.... this will be a verse that I continue to pray over her and for her.... All that to say, that as I read that devotional, my heart thought of MS but there was also an unsettled feeling in me that I couldn't explain. The next day, God would ask me in a very real way "do you really believe this truth?"
I've mentioned before that there are moments when I can be seen carrying both MS and Henry at the same time... which is no small feat I might add. MS no longer slaps him when I am doing this.... instead they both giggle, she will occaisionally try and kiss him, and Henry will get a big goofy grin and say "2 babies!" They are having much more fun together these days and even play little games with one another. Henry will "talk" to her in her "language".... like if she says "muh"when she wants him to do something funny again, he will say "muh" and then do it... the muh and muh continues over and over.... or when I look back in the car and find them both hiding under their lovies, then peeking out and laughing like crazy.... these two will be best buds I tell you. Henry even grabs her chair at the counter when he is sitting in his and pulls until the 2 chairs are touching.... as he says "i want to sit mei sims".... and once the chairs touch, he laughs and again says "2 babies"... and there they sit, eating their meals like a little old couple.... with a sharing of food at times and stopping for a kiss or a slap.... whatever the mood may be.
With this little bond being cemented more each day, it should have come as no surprise to me that "2 babies" would lead to 2 ct scans and 2 surgeries.... let me explain. This goes back to God asking me point blank "does all mean all?" As I desired for MS to grasp that truth one day, God was asking me if I grasp it now.... and it honestly shook me up a bit.
I have noticed for a few months that Henry's eye seemed to be changing shapes a bit.... but I thought I was just seeing things... maybe they weren't as symmetrical as I'd thought and maybe that little bump has always been there?? Once we got back from China, I really felt like there was this little "bead" above his tear duct, making the shape a hair droopy there.... no one else would have ever noticed. Derek and my mom didn't until I made them really look and feel it. I asked one doctor, who said it was nothing.... yet it continued to eat at me. Asked another doctor who said I should get it checked out. So I made an eye dr. appointment for tuesday... thinking we'd go for a quick visit and it'd be nothing... then my mind could rest. Tuesday morning, I take Henry (leaving Mei Sims with my mom at her house for the first time.... my mom said she has never quite heard a scream as loud as she had for the first 10 minutes!).... the doctor feels it and says there is in fact something there that runs back a bit along his nasal bone.... it is actually messing up his vision and causing an astigamitsm where it is pressing on the eye.... so he says we need to do a CT scan and regardless of what it is, it needs to come out because of it messing up his sight.... I mention MS is having surgery June 12th so does he think we should do it mid summer after that.... he very calmly says "this needs to happen as soon as possible and we will try and get you a CT scan right now." So a few things in my mind.... first, we have been trying for a month to nail down the CT for Mei Sims, so I KNOW how backed up they are and how you can't just get an appointment right then unless it is an "urgent" one ordered by the dr. Second, my mind is going to a young cousin of mine, who I wasn't close with but I prayed for her and followed her journey with cancer years ago before she passed away. She had a tumor wrapped around her optic nerve at one point. I'm remaining calm but I say to him "I had this cousin....." and he stops me and says "you aren't talking about Lily are you?" To which I reply "Yes." and he jumps right in and says "stop right there, She was one of my patients and this is 100% not the same thing." Talk about God moving right in.... I was only referred to him by the pediatrician and had no idea he knew her.
I'll spare you all the details of the rest of the day but it basically ended at 4 that afternoon (I got there at 8:30 a.m. and left for lunch).... little things were sprinkled in between to keep it interesting.... i.e. I kept having to come to the phone in the waiting room and talk to the guy trying to get our CT scan and after several times of talking he says "I have it set up but did I hear your son was eating cheese curls?" Yep, no one told me he had to fast and I was trying to entertain him for 2 hours, so he was chomping away.... sent me home with orders of no food or drink (at lunch time) so I put henry to bed and thankfully he slept until time to leave again... then there was MUCH confusion at Children's South.... paperwork said I should be there, they said I should be at the hospital... they were refusing to sedate him.... even though they told me for him to not eat.... then they were debating if he could even lay still... all the while, he is rolling on the lobby floor and screaming "I want chicken!" Poor guy was so hungry that all he could think about for some odd reason was chicken! It was getting ugly..... I wanted to ask if they could do a couple's CT scan and squeeze in MS as well :) (She was actually with mom my once again.... and I paid dearly for leaving her all day.... the next day she went into ultra cling mode) The scan was dramatic as well... poor little guy... it ended with him ripping the IV out of his foot (the IV was to inject dye) and blood spewing EVERYWHERE.... I kid you not, the tech's eyes were wide open in shock when she saw how much blood covered the table, henry and everything. Of course a sucker cured all and as we pulled out in our car, Henry simply said "They hurt me." Oh my heart.
During all this, all that was repeating in my mind was "does all mean all?" If they tell me something terrible, am I going to believe that this path is loving and faithful as well? And keep in mind that I KNOW my circumstances pale in comparison to suffering I see all around me... but in my life, Henry has my heart in such a unique way... so this was striking at my heart.... if he has a tumor is this a path of loving kindness? If he has cancer is it? If if if...... It was all I could do to just try and take captive my thoughts and simply repeat His promise back to Him..... all of your paths are loving.... period. Or another way Amy Carmicheal writes "However things may appear to be, of all possible circumstances- those circumstances in whose midst I am set- these are the best that He could choose for me." I will say that I felt a deep peace but even in the midst of peace, I cried a lot that night and wanted to throw up.... I think you can feel both a peace from God and nauseous at the same time.... at least I could.
The next morning the doctor called me at 7:15 in the morning... seriously what doctor does that? He didn't want me to worry all day and said it is not connected to a big tumor and not wrapped around any nerves. Praise the Lord! It is the size of a large chick pea and is solid (not fluid filled) and it is smooth (which is apparently a good thing--I'm purposefully not googling anything right now). The mass will be sent for a biopsy once it is out. He is switching us over to another doctor who is an ocular facial plastics specialist for the surgery. So she wants to meet in person before operating on Henry... which I totally get. Only downside is that we can't get in until friday, june 1st. Then we head to the beach for a week. I told the nurse this and said I was under the impression it needed to come out asap.... she assured me we would be ok and suggested we look at the date of June 12th for surgery..... 2 babies, 2 surgeries, 1 day?? Um no. I told her about MS surgery that day so Henry will probably have to wait a bit longer. We won't change MS because a huge praise is that they have agreed to do the CT scan and hip surgery at the same time.... the nurse told us that anesthesia would 99% not agree to this but God gave MS favor and they agreed. So we are not messing with that date. June will be an interesting month... that may be an understatement.
I can't presume to know God's reason for taking us through certain "scary" moments, but I know He has a purpose and I know it is good and I know we will make it through it all. I will also say the body cast doesn't seem like such a daunting task in the light of knowing there is something inside your child that shouldn't be there. I'd love your prayers.... that probably goes without saying.
I'll update more on MS before her surgery. She is a such a light in our family and is doing so well... As Rollins so eloquently put it the other day "It is a great privilege to have a chinese sister. Not everyone has one and it is such a great great privilege." I couldn't agree more.
you guys are the best
5 days ago